onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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