I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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