My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
organizing the empties. That sober.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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