ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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