I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's rum buckets o'clock
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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