I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
where does the pee come out of this thing
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
