Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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