Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
