After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize