Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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