mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
