I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My vagina is officially offended.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
