i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
