i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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