I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
