Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
