Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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