just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
