i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
