I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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