Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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