dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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