it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
