I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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