Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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