I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
