My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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