I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is wine microwaveable?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
