Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
