Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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