apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
