My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
literally had 100 drinks last night.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
