he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
