Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
