cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
