is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize