That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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