Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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