Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
