college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
