proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So apparently I’m into choking now
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