put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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