I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize