i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
