they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
