youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
