I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
