she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize