First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
