i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
