i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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