Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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