you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
