He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
