Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
