GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
