my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
