I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
