so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
