Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
