Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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