He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
