your parents love me but you hate me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
