What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
