I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
